December 03, 2008
Crying on the Inside
I try to be a strong person for everyone around me. I always think that I have to be a rock for all those who need me. But then there are times that I need to cry for me and it always seems to come at the wrong times, so then I can't cry. It will happen in like class when I'm thinking about something and I can't cry in class. I'm not really sure why it happens but there are just times that I get really down and really lonely and that is when all my negative thoughts seem to happen. I've been told that I am too much of a negative person. I never thought I was that much of a negative person, I mean everyone has negative thoughts and has crappy days. I stopped to look at things and decided that maybe I am a little too negative but if you look at all the shit I've had to go through in the pass year, you can see why I'm so negative. But things could have been way worse, so for once I'm going to be positive and say that I am coming out on top with all my problems.
I've started to see the counselor at school again because I was tried of being down all the time and so tired of thinking that I'm not good enough. I also started to notice that I was beginning to have a bit of a anger problem. I would get really mad at some of the dumbest, and smallest things.
The thing is, I have started to realize is that all my thinking is good at times because I can actually figure out what my own problem is but when it comes down to it that is not enough because I then don't know how to fix the problem. Take my anger problem for one: I get really mad at little things because I have two really big issues that are just hanging in my life that I can't really do anything about and they both make me so mad and since they make me so mad and I can't do anything about them I get extra angry at other things. The problem is I don't really know how to fix that, which is why I decided to go back to the counselor. I feel like she really helps me and understands me, which makes me feel good.
I hope things get better soon, my plan is to make 2009 a great year for myself... I don't know how yet but I will do it.